Deep inside Kraft Foods Australia…

It is August 2009. Kraft Foods Australia Marketing Director, Michael Magee, is pacing the corridors with his underling, Ted.

You know, it’s only a month until the AFL Grand Final, Ted. You know what that means, don’t you?

It means… Collingwood needs to pick up its game?

No, you deadshit, it means we’re running out of time to pick a new name for that watered-down Vegemite we’ve been pedalling for months. There are ads to write, jars to decorate, website domains to register!

Oh… you are right, it is kind of watered-down. What about ‘Vegemite Light’?

God, if only we could get away with that. This, this ‘Vegemite II: Son of Vegemite’ has more fat, more sugar, more sodium… and less Vitamin B, less taste, less class.

But the original Vegemite was a name selected from public entries, wasn’t it? Isn’t that working this time?

Folk these days aren’t as smart as they were in 1928. Personally, I blame television.

And a diet rich in saturated fats?

Yes, and a diet ri- hey, hey, I’m not even going to think that, not even in private. Geez, the entries have been atrocious. Most of them either start with “Vege-” or end with -mite”. Then there are the ridiculous ones, like “Cheesewax”. We literally haven’t received a single decent entry. But… what if we weren’t looking for a decent entry?

I don’t follow you.

Of course you don’t, you cotton-headed numpty. Sure, we could just pick the least-worst name, and call it that. And we’d have some sort of mediocrity to live with for the rest of the product life. OR, we could pick something completely stupid and inappropriate, something that will make everyone sit up and say, “What the fuck?” A product name that will span the generations as one of the most terrible ever conceived. At least that way we’ll get some attention, create a buzz, and go down in a blaze of glory.

Michael… there is one entry. One I’ve been saving.

Oh? Let’s see it, my boy.

BRILLIANT!